I'm going to be honest and say that writing this to you is one of the scariest things I've ever done. It's scarier than reading some of my deepest and darkest works in front of a crowd, scarier than telling my parents about my graduation, scarier than publishing my first book. I am a writer but I've never penned a love letter; I've never felt inclined to. I've never felt a love like this. You are the only man I've ever felt like this for, the only person I've ever seen a future with. I'm not afraid of that, not afraid to be your husband, not afraid to live out the dreams we have with and for each other. But I am terrified of writing this.
It's been said many times but I wasn't expecting you. At all. What you don't know is that I've been attracted to you from the first day you walked into the cafe. Your eyes knocked the breath out of me and your lips and voice revived me all at the same time. I think I played it off pretty well, you didn't even look at me like I was crazy. After the first week of you coming in, I had your schedule and order memorized. My crush started hard and fast, I didn't even have a chance to try and deny it within myself. Seeing you everyday was the highlight of my morning and I made sure your order was always perfect.
I can't express the jealousy I felt when you ordered two coffees in only mere words (that can only be shown through a string of acted emotions and expressions and even still I don't think you'd get the full idea). I was raised to respect other people's relationships, but that doesn't mean I wasn’t envious. I'd silently dreamed about getting the opportunity to speak to you, to actually hold a full conversation. I only knew where you worked and you always seemed so confident in that work. You didn't tell me that information early on, but I found out…
I'd been on a date a few months after you started getting coffee and that date took me to the art museum. I never mentioned it because I thought it'd make me seem weird but I swear it was all by chance. I'd seen you discussing a sculpture with a few people and I thought maybe you were just there randomly like I was. When I saw your name tag, I figured it out and I hid from your view. I was nervous that you'd recognize me, want to talk and cause me to further fall for a man that I couldn't have. Do you know just how confident you look when you're wrapped up in your work? It was one of the sexiest things I'd ever seen.
I avoided the museum after that for many reasons, the biggest being that I felt like an entire creep. I pretended to be shocked when you told me later on that you worked there- my acting is top notch, no? When you stopped coming in for a while, I didn't know what to do with myself. My co-workers could tell that I was out of it and that my mood was off. I didn't realize until then how much seeing you got me through the hours. The day you messaged me is a day I won't ever forget; I almost threw my phone in excitement. I had promised myself that the moment the opportunity arose, I would ask you out. I'm happy that you took a chance on me.
From the moment we sat down and talked, I have been yours. At the time, I felt so weird feeling so strongly about you but it all makes sense now. I knew immediately that you were my person, that I had to keep you around. You made me want to be a better person. You love to say that I made you better and pulled you out of your shell but you did the exact same for me. You are my first and last in so many ways that I can't count them all and I am so happy that I'm on this journey with you.
When we were in Southern France, I knew as soon as I saw you around my family that you are the man that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I would sit by Grandmére and tell her everything I could about you and our relationship (which probably aided in her loving you an uncomfortable amount and trying to be your sugar mama, I apologize). At the time we had only been together for two months, but two months felt like two years. My parents could see how in love with you I was- how in love with you I am- and I was encouraged to hold onto you. Not that I really needed the encouragement; I was prepared to propose to you when we got home, but you beat me to it in Paris and I regret nothing.
I know my reaction was… not the best because I thought you were kidding. There was just no way we were that much on the same wavelength that you'd do exactly what I'd planned on doing, but you surprised me. The day that I make you my husband will be the happiest day of my life, completely uncontested (even happier than when I bottomed for the first time and we both know how ecstatic I was that day, maybe dramatically so).
I love you. I never thought it could be said with such ease but everytime I look at you or think about you, I feel it. I love you. You are my person and my everything, my soulmate. I love you. I watch you as you sleep sometimes and wonder how I got so lucky. A lump always forms in my throat when I think about life without you, about how you can never leave me because I don't think I would be able to make it. I love watching you sleep because your soft breathing calms me. Even now as I'm writing this you are knocked out, curled against my side with a soft smile on your lips that I selfishly hope is because of me. Everything feels right when you're beside me.
Honestly, how can you be real? None of this makes sense and yet I understand it all completely. It's one of those surreal feelings, where you feel content and overwhelmed all at once, where you question everything but know all the answers. I can't wait to marry you, I hope this is clear and that you never feel any doubt. I can't wait to travel around the world with you, to be that married couple that always comes home with a hundred different stories about our adventures. I can't wait to fill our house with art you've found in different countries, with books I've written on and about our excursions around the world. I can't wait until we slip those rings on each other's fingers and officially tell the world that we will be together forever, even though we both know it already.
This is the sappiest thing I've ever written and I'm sorry you've had to endure it. Something just came over me while I sat here and I had to pen it down before the moment passed.
I love you Isaac Adam Calistro, with all my heart and soul. You are it for me and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.